Reflections: Grief.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” - Vicki Harrison
This past September I turned 31. I’m rarely excited for my birthday, and I’m grateful if I can survive the day with peace. While I finally accomplished that for the first time in a while, it was short-lived.
A couple of days later my father reached out to tell me my younger brother had been shot and died upon arriving at the hospital.
I suddenly felt like someone ripped me apart and patched me back up empty inside; leaving me alone to fend for myself. Everything in me was hollow and burning simultaneously.
While I’m no stranger to death and losing loved ones, losing my brother hit me the hardest next to the death of my childhood best friend who was also murdered. On top of that, within the past year I’ve experienced three other deaths of those who greatly contributed to the person I am today.
Some days I fail to understand how I can get up out of bed at this point. Other days, the losses fuel me.
No one death has been the same. I don’t find grief gets easier to process, just maybe easier to navigate. Everyone grieves differently nonetheless so to be clear I’m only speaking for myself.
With that in mind, losing my brother has taught me the greatest lesson, and that is:
Give yourself time to grieve and don’t feel guilty doing so.
Take whatever time and space you need away from the world however you see fit.
For some that may be easy, but for myself it’s not. I have many people who depend on me, and a very demanding job. Time to myself is very limited, and often I can barely hear myself think unless I’m in the shower.
With that I’m doing things differently this time around.
I halted all work and actually put out a notice to my work peers and on social media for loved ones announcing I’d be taking some time for myself. I didn’t give a timeline, I affirmed that I’d be doing so for however long I needed and would update people accordingly. Further, I actually forced myself to be on hiatus for longer than 48 - 72 hours, which is unheard of for me.
The only people I’ve been in contact with are those I feel like, and that’s okay. Most of those people are those who’ve checked on me and have been taking care of me.
I’m an extremely private and independent person who doesn’t let many if anyone in, so it’s taking a lot to let people help me. The love and care feels refreshingly new.
In my hiatus I’m missing major moments in my friends lives who I haven’t connected with during this time.
I ask myself if we’ll grow apart as a result, or will it fortify our bond? This has been uncomfortable to sit with because the last thing I want is another loss of any kind.
But at the end of the day, I accept that whatever happens is okay. Loss is not the end of the world, but an opening for something anew.